Thoughts on my last night with Loyale, Layden, and Lyric

Wow. 872 days have flown past me like a gust of wind. I woke up on April 26, 2014 to a phone call.  “Will you take a placement of a 20 month old baby girl,  8 year old boy, and 13 year old girl?” 

Spoiler Alert: I said, “Yes.”

I knew we were on the top of the call list that weekend. I had hounded every placement specialist with a 75 mile radius making them aware of our open home. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand. I knew I’d accept any call that we got. Little did I know, I had actually won the metaphorical foster care lottery 

Day 1. 

As I expand the blog I’ll talk about the first time Hudson said he loved us,  Harper forgetting her adoptive name,  and how Boston wanted to stay forever 3 weeks in to the journey. Today, however, I want to reflect inward.  How did I become the mom you know today. 

Summer 2014
2 years ago when Aspen was still a hope and prayer I was plopped down into the middle of motherhood. Suddenly I had this gigantic range from teen to toddler and no idea how to be exactly what they need. You’d like to hope that your presence and involvement in their lives would be welcome after years of neglect,  but it is actually quite the opposite. Imagine moving in a mother figure to your home now. Kids who have raised themselves do not necessarily want to be parented.

I suppose if you give 3 kids who don’t know how to just be kids to a mommy who doesn’t know how to “mommy” then you’ve got yourself a problem. I will be very blunt: I didn’t know how to open my heart to my foster children before I became a biological mom.

I had no context to the depth of s mother’s love. I tried. I worked at it. Often,   I managed my kids as a teacher. I knew and loved them but I didn’t even know what I was missing. 

The day my heart opened up bigger than I knew possible. 

4 days before Aspen  was born, we had the official word that the kids were now in full guardianship of the state and would be ready for adoption this year.  Sometime between then and the days following my hospital stay something changed.  

Now, when I am feeding, changing,  and playing with the baby- I’m picturing the kids that small.  I imagine swaddling each of them,  kidding their little cheeks, snuggling them in close for a nap… Visualizing these things has strengthened my bond with them so unexpectedly.

I adore my babies. I feel insanely blessed. I am honored to be trusted with these little lives. Tomorrow we will head to the courthouse early. We will be dressed and pressed, and our kids will become OUR KIDS! They will officially have new names that signify the start of our new lives as a full fledged family.  

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